snake skin ~

the road less traveled

is where you led me

perhaps it was more common than i had realized.

for me,

destruction felt familiar

even when my heart felt stiff.

the two minutes of silence

i wait for you to speak again.

i have no words.

for i am still processing.

tongue tied.

those who come after you will hate this.

but they listen.

and I am more inclined to speak.

it feels safer here.

 

the art of goofiness.

This far surpasses that of perfectionism or conventional beauty, at least in my eyes. Goofy is raw and childlike. it is also my truth. As i sit here in my office, feet in the grass, back against a tree that is shedding its layers of leaves and firmly planted in its roots, I ponder as to how I got to where I am. Though I am moving forward, what i have gone through has granted me the ability to see things with fresh eyes every time I awake. I will admit it is often a battle to shed my own leaves and stand firm without the company of doubt and guilt for how I have been in my past. That is now, irrelevant and I choose to stand with my feet on the ground regardless of how often I’d like to just float away. Though, the daydreamer in me will continue to live on because goofy is as goofy does.

We’re moving into the fifth dimension. This is not in question. The universe is in unity, it’s pleasant.

I been hell bent trying to get up off the ground, 

I shift perspective

Im feeling oh so good in the right now

things are light bound,

life is tight, wow.

Stating these words I have put together reminds me that I hold the power to wield what I would like to come about. it’s always been as this but as I may have mentioned before it has not always been easy to retain. To me being goofy means owning my quirks, even when I don’t quite understand why I am the way I am. Perhaps it’s never been for me to understand but to simply embrace. Sometimes I laugh at how emotional I am at the core, but I’m not quite sure if I’ve ever really let that out initially with my first encounters with others. I find that the facade that we can often place upon ourselves can really do the opposite of what we may “intend” them to do. I think I have have always had this secretive way about me be it due to upbringing or my cosmic existence but that shit is goofy! In a recent reflection and excuse me if this is the same thing but I’ve come to realize that it is not rejection that I fear but more so being misunderstood. I’m pretty sure this has stemmed from me not being in full acceptance of myself but that is one of the biggest things I have left in the year of 2018. So long to not being my full self. This year Im getting intimate af with my essence. Love letters, pillow talk and daily reminders to do what makes me feel good and expresses myself while sharing my story. That’s love to me. I’m getting googly-eyed in the mirror.

I think one thing about really embracing yourself and all that you bring forward becomes easier to accept when you’re around people who are willing to do the same for themselves because those who are unable and unhappy with accepting their being will only try to drag you down with them. It’s unfortunate and I will not say I have a fallen victim to it because I allowed it to happen. But you best believe I know way better than to do so now. There really is a difference between laughing together and just being a dick. and the latter no longer flies around here, so that said, shoo fly don’t bother me to those knats who only search for what fruit they can latch onto. Having this awareness makes it easier to weed these scavengers out too. It’s a beautiful thing.

I could continue this but I’m kind of hungry. One may wonder what an example of the goofiness is that I exude, but you may just have to get to know me. Mention this post and I’ll be sure to show you a magic trick or something. In my first act, I drop the mask of the past and come raw full blast ;D

cheers!

sonya v ❤

mirror, mirror

Ah, reflection.

As the year concludes it is a beautiful time to look back on all that we’ve undergone throughout the year. It’s been a collective force of healing and that alone entails so much. When we think of healing in a developing understanding of the word, one may think of a light sensation, the skin coiling up over cut skin or a heart mending. When we really look at it, and all the it takes to “heal” we realize how much pain we must endure before we really can grasp the inner emotion of a healed wound.

If we’re being honest, the past few years have been quite the time for this kind of inner activity. Yes, there was lighter moments of fun and laughter but behind the scenes, came all the turning of soil to really cultivate what we were working on harvesting.

For me it took bouts of sadness, melancholy, depressive symptoms, withdrawal, apathy, blame, and ultimately forgiveness. Throughout all these less than desirable feelings I had to learn to forgive. Mainly myself. and of course, others so I could forgive myself. I often feel like my memory is not the greatest but within the last year so much has resurfaced so I can face it and let it all go. A lot of allowing less than I deserved as well as not trusting the process came to the forefront. It’s so easy to beat ourselves up for not being further along on the path but in reality that only adds to more frustration and anxiety. The universe is not in a rush. It is us that is and our spirit is trying to catch up before getting winded.

I’ve been trying to put myself out there more but in doing so, I had found myself more in solitude to really figure out what’s underneath and what I am presenting to the world without the need for a mask. The mask is not just coming off but being shattered completely. In recent learning, I have come to the realization that I have been “too nice.” It’s funny saying that out loud in a time when we need more kindness in the world but there is definitely a huge difference between the two. My boundaries were lacking firm foundations and that led to me being inauthentic in my desires as well as my expression only leading me down the rabbit hole of emotional turmoil. This is what I like to see as the darkness making way to the light. Each journey so different. Each leading to separate, undeniably individual paths. Being there for others is essential to going far but being there for oneself will get you invited to the table.

As time goes on and I reflect on these topics of interest, I also learn, that I don’t know a damn thing. It’s both humbling and eye opening in the same. Though we can have similar interests we’re all wired differently and have our own different platters to bring to the potluck. It’s also in these times that I remember that we’re not all on the same speed and that’s okay.  Speed is just an confounding variable in these worldly life experiences. I find that the best thing to bring to the party is effective communication and even greater listening skills. At times when I get frustrated, I know it’s simply something bubbling inside me that needs to be worked on further. I then, make note and proceed accordingly.

If there is one thing I’ve learned in these past years is that delivery really is everything. It’s still a work in progress on my part but the journey has been one filled with gratitude and bits of heartache due to trial and error.

I’m no philosopher but I do consider myself an intellect. One whom is making her way in and out of the depths of her mind. In this newest path that I am embarking on, I choose to add love in all mixtures because I feel like that’s been the missing component in some of my recipes. The spice is always nice too ;D

peace and prosperity,

sonya v ❤

the rambler.

The warrior’s greatest weapon is her mind.

This fact alone is why one must, cultivate and harvest from seedling until blossom and until the cycle begins again.

The double edge sword of brain waves can either make you a powerful force that can catapult you into the limitless realm of potential or stonewall you until you fall into the murky abyss of the rabbit’s hole.

This year has taught me this, and it is continuing to teach me notions of this parallel until I finally realize self.

I’m not sure it ever gets easier.

I do however know, I will not give up.

There are definitely times where I feel like doing so but that’ll be the biggest “L” I’ll ever take.

I could get further into this but I’m not sure which route to take exactly. Collectively, I know were all going through our own psychological battles whether we are choosing to stand tall and address them or not.

The shadows are coming out to play.

 

~~~

whtvr that means.

I’m laughing at my last post. I sound arrogant af hahaha.  I’ll leave it for transparency sake though, because it was how I was feeling in that moment and felt the “desire” to post it. I will say, however, I don’t get a lotta bxtches. *blank stare into the camera*

Anyways, in today’s news….

Lately, Ive been dissecting the term “cool.”

When I honestly think of it, it’s so high school…and as previously stated in an older post, “eff high school” lol. I must admit, I don’t think I had it as bad as some may have, as far as bullying and all that. I definitely went through a lot of “losing” myself and was a pendeja in some other instances but it’ll sound good in my political campaign speech in future decades.. siike.

Everyone wanna be cool, but what does that even really mean?

Scientifically speaking, it’ll mean “less hot” but in street-cred terminology it could mean clout or unwillingness to attend school. I really hope my jokes can be picked up via keyboard otherwise I may have to consider getting a podcast. And we could only imagine how that’d turn out.

Life’s funny. Like everything works in polar opposites. Hear me out on this. We live to one day, die. Not necessarily the “objective” but definitely inevitable. And when we’re kids we often want to grow up to have more freedom and yada yada but when we age we miss the simplicity of being a child? As of late the concept of “everything is connected” has started to feel like an understatement. I should just take it for what it is, but as an idealist and recovering perfectionist sometimes I feed off the depth of feeling and fiend for more to go with it. Call me cheesy, but things are so much more “real” when we have deep rooted feelings attached with it. Fxck being a robot! I felt like a robot roughly for the last twelve months and I’m happy to say I think that curse is breaking its hold over me. Either that or I’m taking back my power but all in all, it’s liberating.

I think I’m retiring the desire to want to be “cool” too. Because Im starting to see that it really means too detached and I’m trying to be as grounded as possible. It’s honestly not even a compliment to hear that anymore unless it’s about your thrifted threads or something along those lines. I’m not even going to overthink it though. I guess now it’s more just the thought that I wouldn’t want my introverted tendencies to make me seem like a “boujie bish” and miss an opportunity to connect, but I think this is where I take the steps to put myself out there more and get out of my head. Plus at this point, it’s not really any of my business as to how people perceive me, but let’s be real, this may not be high school but we all still want to be “accepted” to an extent or at least..welcomed. Nonetheless, things are shifting. And the current feels powerful. *wave emoji*

If there’s one thing that I want to convey in my writing, it’s love. From my own personal perspective, I may not be all the way there quite yet, but I find beauty in this objective. Growing up I can’t really say it was something I often would “let off” and I’d like to change that. Once more, shout out to all people who have stuck around through my growth spurt, moody, in the distance, goofy a$$ tendencies. Tis appreciated. Lessons…and hip hop make the world go ’round.

Shall we dance?

w/<3

Sonya V.

 

 

 

mood like weather.

I should be reading my textbooks, and I have been, in intervals. But something is itching at me to write. I almost didn’t know what the topic would be but I figured, hell, just write what comes to mind. My hormones are running rampant, I can tell by the way I have a zero tolerance for bullshit and feel like screaming in my pillow pero like, this too shall pass “D I’m intrigued because my biology reading for the week we’re talking about female hormones…males are mixed in there too haha. I’m not a “feminist” but I am about women empowerment. I think guys are cool but sometimes they be on some other stuff. I think the fact that I’ve dealt with various male characters is what makes me laugh when guys can be acting well like, a toad. I like speaking truths but I think discretion is important, too. Shouts to my integrity. Had I written something a few hours ago before dinner this post would probably be taking a different turn. Another shout to the cute, skinny boy waiter who recommended the 642 vino. I’ll see you soon. teehee*

I’m working on being honest as hell in all my encounters but like we all have heard, sometimes the truth hurts. It can especially come out even more a  little more sharp-tongued when confrontation isn’t really your forte but liberating it is when something is plaguing you to speak up. The types of people who come into our lives is always interesting to think about. Many of time I can’t help but reflect on the energy I’m putting out to attract such entities into my vicinity but there’s a lesson in it all, I always tell myself.

I don’t get bummed on people as much as I used too. Namely: dudes. I like to think it’s a part of growing up. Perhaps my naiveté in my earlier years is really starting to come full circle. I’ll drink to that.  Hydration is key after all. *sips water bottle* I can feel my pH balance getting restored already. anywho, this past week has been another eye opener. For things that I want and don’t want and for other things I’m still working to bring to fruition. Not to say relationships are everything, because I’ve definitely put that on that back burner of priorities, but companionship can be cool. Until it ain’t hahaha jk thats the jaded Sonya thinking. I laugh when people ask if I’m still single or seeing anyone because I just laugh and say “yes.” or “na.” to the latter. It’s taken me a long time to get to where I am regarding this topic. I know I still have a far way to go because well let’s be frank I’m still single, and I recently had a friendly sobering reminder that I can still be pretty disappointed by someone being pushy or insincere. but then again, who wouldn’t be?

I think this post is definitely aimed more towards to single  people demographic because all the people in relationships reading will probably be like “yeah, duh” even knowing damn well they’ve put up with their fair share of bs.  But they have the balance worked out so hats off to them? aha. This actually reminds me of when I’d go around asking people random questions. and whenever people would mention their husband, wife or marriage I’d always ask what the key to a successful union is? Many, if not all, always said something along the lines of “pick your battles.” Which is real when that tricky little government contract is involved. But perhaps that’s the other beautiful part of single-dom and dating people is the ability to find the courage to be like “I’m not putting up with this.” because in reality it’s as simple and kindly speaking those words and walking away if you don’t see the relationship as fit. Call me jaded or call me a quitter but harmony, humor and a little heat seem like a lovely little concoction ;D

Lol what do I know though right? Lately I’ve been dodging people because like mentioned before, it’s not a big thing for me. Plus, I’m still trying to figure out what it is I really even need from a partner other than having a teammate, confidant, badass equal to build an empire with? That’s a big role to fill and I personally, feel like I spent too much of my early twenties trying to figure out guys that I completely forgot there’s still the whole Me thing to figure out. This reminds me of that one quote, I believe by Jim Carrey that says “everyone wants to be around you, right when you’re comfortable being alone.” Could be that it’s really just a reminder to select whom you spend your energy with wisely. I think the only advice I can give is to not fall too far into isolation, because that’s when voids start to feel hollow.  I think I’m ready to study again.

Thanks for reading my online diary.

in loving kindness,

sonya v.

 

 

 

 

feminine energy.

the topic at hand. more timeless, really.

Currently laying on my belly in the bunk bed of a hotel. It’s the Courtyard Marriot so I feel like a “fancy b-bad word” as I keep telling my oldest niece. She gets a laugh every time. She’s my side kick, when I’m not in one of my moods anyway. haha.

Rawness is the new black.

Reverting back to the youngster, she’s 8. She often tells me she’s wants to be just like me when she grows up. I don’t know why the statement throws me off step for a brief second. (I can’t blame her really hehe ;B) I only keed. But in all realness that notion alone brings a sort of heaviness because ultimately it’s a reminder to be the best woman I can be in front of her and kids in general, really.  I appreciate when she says it but I also add to just, “be herself.”   Pondering in this moment I’m asking myself why it is that it throws my footing off when the genuinely spoken words come about and I remember that it’s because I’m still working everyday to be unapologetically myself with utmost comfort in my skin. I used to be there once. I’m working diligently on returning to that state. The funny thing about discovering our “truths” is that it takes a lot of ugliness to dig deep into those cores and recall what stripped you away of your power. But that’s a whole other topic that I may or may not write about in blog form, at least, not for right now. Anyhow.

Thinking back to when I was younger it’s funny how the innocence was so pure and we had our heart set out on something we worked to achieve it. Even if that was something small like getting a double play at our next game or getting a 100% on the next spelling quiz.  I’m channeling back to that self right now and I remember wanting to do what I’m doing right now in this moment, writing. I guess it’s actually typing but you catch my drift. I always envisioned being a journalist of sorts but with the way the media is these days it’d probably be for things that interest me like the arts or non-profit or perhaps even be the Josie Gellar of my generation. (lol, as cheesy as that sounds I could be onto something) *begins to ponder the thought* ~ They say always channel your inner child and up until recently that was just a phrase but the meaning has began to unfold throughout the days. Now, to me, it means go back to that place of purity and listen to what will make your heart and soul expand in the direction of the greater good. The moments are fleeting but it is that statement alone that can make you stray from the present moment, which is where I’d rather be.

Life’s been funny lately, but I enjoy good humor, even at my own expense. Some consider it humility, as do I, however, I also find it to be a good way to stay afloat. Overall, I’m thankful. I have become more disciplined in certain areas of my life and with that has brought subtle realizations and  good people into my life to grow and learn with. A lot of good women really. It’s comical thinking back to high school mentalities and how many (including myself)  used to claim we only have guy friends because “girls are too much drama.” In our defense, at the time that did seem true. But perhaps it because we failed to understand or at least try to understand where each other was coming from. Perhaps we were all just so similar and the mirrors were just shining too brightly in our own faces. Actually, yes that may be it. High school is about “finding yourself” or better yet, getting out alive. Both I slightly managed to do but with a good amount of destruction also involved. In the attempt to “find myself” I lost myself to great depths. I was naive. I was just trying to fit in and ultimately I was just trying to get the hell out. I think high school sucks because were stuck trying to figure things out and also trying to be cool with people who have their own bullshit going on in a time where these kinds of things are seldom discussed. Hell, I’m 25 and I’m still finding ways to break down certain barriers within myself. Transformation and growth and the shedding of ancestral patterns is no easy feat. It take months, years and maybe even decades and the work never ends. It’s perpetual. But I think that’s where greater reward comes in.

Lately, I’m trying to tap into parts of myself and get to the nitty gritty of my shortcomings. One big one being too focused on the minute details. Sometimes I’ll be writing and then think of a thought or word, write it down then be like “wait, hold up is that what that means?” In these times people call people out so hard on shxt that it feels necessary to be sure. Times are sensitive af rn. We’re out here crying out freedom of speech but many still feel the need to bite their tongue. In the words of Kid Cudi “I’m screaming out FUCK THAT!” I’m here to take up space. Presence loud af and voice over that. The desire to want this could be the very reason it’s taking time to show tf up. Because it’s important. To me and my evolution. Shovel in one hand, sparkling water in the other. Onward motions.

Reminder: Always remember to check in with yourself. and your loved ones. The warriors are often silent in their steps.

with love and appreciation,

Sonya V.

put the “no” in “know.”

This title came to me upon speaking amongst myself, as I so often do, and reflecting the times. As stated in a previous post it has been quite the ride these last few months. Lessons raining on us more than actual precipitation on this desert coastline. After stating this title aloud, the prominent entertainer and philanthropist, Oprah Winfrey came to mind. *cue audience chuckles* I was never super into her shows, mainly because they would be on television when I was trying to run a muck with my neighborhood pals but also because I was young and couldn’t quite “absorb” all that was being said. But now, when I watch her interviews I always catch something that sits with me in my forward motions. Reverting back from my whimsical tangent, I recall one of the first videos that really struck me from Ms. Winfrey was when asked, at a young age, what one of her biggest accomplishments was. Within the short pause thereafter many may anticipate something along the lines of getting hired as a newscaster or feeding needy children in the Congo but it was something that, for her, was an external matter that helped her in an internal way.  She said that it was when she learned to say “no” without feeling bad or guilty about it was a real stepping stone for her in her career and in life. As I was making breakfast, I paused what I was doing (yes, the fire was on low)  then the video and really just absorbed that thought. That notion. The essence behind a word that could have a “negative” connotation could actually be a saving grace for my being. While being an empath, and an emotional being and trying to be a better friend it’s often hard for me to just say, “Na.” I’m getting better though. Hence why I’m a hermit more often than not (insert upside down smiley face). Saying no is more than just being opposed to things, it’s really about drawing boundaries. It’s about what you know you’ll feel okay with doing and what can become a moral dilemma leading you down a rabbit hole of discomfort. That said, I will add that there is a vast difference between discomfort and being uncomfortable. I aim to be uncomfortable more often than not, it allows me to grab my anxieties and throw them off a cliff by channeling the energy productively and stepping into uncertainty, and ultimately into my own light.  Discomfort is up there with having on wet jeans shorts or being on a date with someone you see no future with simply to get a “free meal.” Both things I avoid like the plague. I’d rather eat a sandwich by myself in the park with dry jeans on, thanks. haha.

Anyway, I guess where I was getting to with this post is to know yourself well enough to know when to say no (see how i got the title ;D) to things you’d rather not do for your own well being and to preserve your precious energy, and when to say yes to opportunity. Some people may not take it the best way but the right ones will understand and will be those that you hit up when you recharge and set back out into the world to empower and build with.

Bless tf up,

Sonya V

not today, amigo.

The ego is a tricky bitch. One day you think you’ve overcome it and the next you’re second guessing the ideas that could potentially bare fruit and you’ve been  pondering and working towards. It’s a dance. With a lack of rhythm. It’s been quite the year thus far. I’m sure many can attest to that. The best  part of “pain” is the knowingness that we’re not alone. Much has come to the surface within the last few months. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one trying to overcome old wounds as they cycle through. As the years go on it seems like there’s certain themes that “dictate” what lessons we’re all going to get thrown our way. I feel like this year is a lot about healing our traumas and breaking old ancestral habits that have been weighing down on our families for generations. It’s tough work. But i guess like most good things, it doesn’t come easy. I like talking about these kind of things but not with just anyone. It’s hard to discuss things such as this with people who think they know it all or those who brush all the important shit under the rug. I’m kind of tired of numbing the pain away, too. That’s probably why my year has been so rough. I feel like I haven’t allowed myself to really “feel.” As of late I feel like I’m waltzing with the title of being a “Present Escapist.” I want to feel and experience everything but recently, I find myself escaping which makes it hard to be present, if that makes sense. Upon reflection, it’s as though I escape with weed&alcohol, or travel, or companionship(by that I mean friendship, I’m too scattered to even be capable of being romantically invested) and though these things sound all fine and dandy the way I have been approaching them has not. Perhaps it’s lack of moderation, orrr heading somewhere when I know things need to be done. Or it could even be that I’m just too damn hard on myself for not being “further along.” When I was 23 I felt like things get better with age because I’m learning and growing and all that noise. But now that I’m 25 I just want to say…. “Fuuck you society!” I’m honestly so over people putting  timeline over the heads of my generation entitled “Millennials.” We’re all just out here running around trying to be great and keeping the anxiety to a minimum which is kind of difficult with the clowns who run the country being in the positions as they are. The worlds fucked but I stay optimistic. Or at least I try to. That’s probably why when people come to me with serious stuff, Im there to listen and speak if needed but I also just like to lighten the situation with a little tasteful humor. At least, I think it’s tasteful. haha. You tell me. I hope you’ve enjoyed the posts on my online diary. Perhaps one day I’ll be more formal. Until then I’ll just aim at writing more consistently because I get a good laugh at this. And a release. And you get to see into the way I think just a wee bit. Life’s better with vulnerability. I’m sure all the narcissists out there will agree. haaa. sketch.

 

Anyhow, shout out to all those working everyday to better themselves and their situations. The ones who are transparent and keep the faith. The aspirers, the artists, the weirdos. The one who live on their own terms in accord to their own truth and hopefully logic. Prayers to all those that have been separated from their families. If you’re reading this and think they’re receiving the “right consequences” you can eat a bag of d*cks and shoo the hell on. Anyway, I stop because I’m getting all worked up. putting out there the desire for some weird symbolic dreams. It’s late.

May the universe bestow you with magic in the days to come.

bless up,

Sonya V